Sour Grapes

So internet, let’s share a secret.

I hate grapes.

I despise the things.  They are slimy disgusting little orbs of pus and madness.  I imagine eating them is like having to pick a gorilla’s nose and then eat the wet boogers you scooped out.  Grapes are that huge and horrifying.

The only good things to come out of grapes occurs when people smash them vigorously.  These are, of course, wine and jelly.

Don’t get me started on raisins.

(Actually, raisins are so horrible they deserve a post of their own where I describe the game Find the Dead, Wingless and Legless Flies in Your Box of Raisins.  But that’s an entirely different post).

So, I’ve been hiding my intense hatred of grapes for a while now, mostly because people would think I am irrational, which would be a completely new thought for them to have.  They already think I’m a crazy, nocturnal nerd and are mostly my friends because they need that one person to pity.  Do you need a new pity friend?  Because now you can have that kid who hates grapes!

So, I decided to share my hatred of grapes with Jack, mostly because he’s a kind of picky eater and I thought he would totally agree with me that we all can have one food to irrationally hate.  So, I thought about this for several days.  Should I tell him?  Should I just let it boil inside of me?  Maybe I should start a Facebook group, so people all over the internet can hate on grapes passive aggressively?

No, I decided to be a man about it and tell him.  In one of those quiet moments at dinner this past weekend, I took hold of the conversation and it went like this:

Jay: Can I tell you something?

Jack: Sure, you can tell me anything.

Jay: I really hate grapes.

Jack: *laughs* You’re weird.  Anyways, did you see… BLAH BLAH BLAH!

And this was the moment when I knew I’d have to kill Jack one day.

Not only did he ignore my blind fury about a small seedless fruit that grows like a tumor, he completely dismissed it.   He couldn’t understand how grapes are a menace to my quality of life.  He couldn’t understand how important it was to share how much I loathe the very existence of grapes.  He reduced me to a ranting, crazy mess on the internet.

I’ll be lurking around the Facebook Group if anyone needs me.